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Romantic attraction seems to be so shallow and short lived. We can have an attraction for someone whom we would never be able to find lasting friendship, romantic attraction is often built on only a few things which blinds us to reality, it is like holding a small pebble so close to our eyes that we cannot see the mountain that is in front of us.
Genuine friendship just seems so much deeper, meaningful and real. It is not based on a fleeting fickle feeling. It would mean more to me if someone was attracted to me as a friend, then if hardly knowing me they "were in love" with me. Because I realize that kind "love" ain't going to last long at all. A good marriage relationship must be built on more then that.
Oh but here is what this kind of mindset has brought me. Well, let's put it this way, my chances of getting married are slim, because my love for a girl would keep me from taking the risk of hurting her. Because if letting her know that I am "in love" would likely cause her to feel tricked, like I had a hidden agenda all along, and the real reason for my friendship was that I had a shallow romantic affection. I have had friends whom I later found out they were ONLY friends because they had "feelings" for me, but as their attraction faded so did their friendship, and this stinks.
I cannot help but get those silly thoughts and feelings every now and then wondering if a friend is a "possibility" and I feel this cheapens everything. And if I ever was to pursue a "relationship" with a friend, then my expressing my "love" would not make them happy at all, but rather upset them and make them feel betrayed. AHHH, I have had friends, with whom I did not have any hidden agenda, but then all of the sudden out of the blue I find that I am "falling in love" and I cannot help but see these feelings as an enemy. they just haunt me at times and I hate it. I almost feel like to ever tell a girl I had "feelings for her" would be the greatest insult. Man, I'm doomed.
Genuine friendship just seems so much deeper, meaningful and real. It is not based on a fleeting fickle feeling. It would mean more to me if someone was attracted to me as a friend, then if hardly knowing me they "were in love" with me. Because I realize that kind "love" ain't going to last long at all. A good marriage relationship must be built on more then that.
Oh but here is what this kind of mindset has brought me. Well, let's put it this way, my chances of getting married are slim, because my love for a girl would keep me from taking the risk of hurting her. Because if letting her know that I am "in love" would likely cause her to feel tricked, like I had a hidden agenda all along, and the real reason for my friendship was that I had a shallow romantic affection. I have had friends whom I later found out they were ONLY friends because they had "feelings" for me, but as their attraction faded so did their friendship, and this stinks.
I cannot help but get those silly thoughts and feelings every now and then wondering if a friend is a "possibility" and I feel this cheapens everything. And if I ever was to pursue a "relationship" with a friend, then my expressing my "love" would not make them happy at all, but rather upset them and make them feel betrayed. AHHH, I have had friends, with whom I did not have any hidden agenda, but then all of the sudden out of the blue I find that I am "falling in love" and I cannot help but see these feelings as an enemy. they just haunt me at times and I hate it. I almost feel like to ever tell a girl I had "feelings for her" would be the greatest insult. Man, I'm doomed.
Most of the people with whom I connect the most are scattered throughout the world, and are all so busy and have their own lives and friends. In this drawing, these are my “square” friends, who fit in my square shaped whole, but they are all busy elsewhere, and because of who I am; my not wanting to invade their space, or force myself into their lives without their welcome. there is a chasm that keeps me from pursuing them more then I do. Only after I learn that they long for friendship just like me, can I be free to pursue them.
It is interesting how I have friends I can call once a year, others every six months, others once a month and a couple who I can call every other week. I do not feel welcomed to call them anymore then this, somehow under the surface is a whole world of boundaries and limits, that I do not consciously set. They just are. Some friends I can talk an hour before I reach that point where I feel I must say good bye, no matter how much I was enjoying the conversation. I feel to talk anymore would be exceeding the limit. Some people the limit is fifteen minutes, and I begin to wonder why I even stay in touch. Most of my friends never call or write me, until recently I have been blessed to meet some friends with whom I feel welcome to call everyday, and when time permits we can talk for several hours. It is interesting to note that with one, it was having a conversation on this very subject that broke all the limits and barriers, I learned that he was like me in this area and was longing for a consistent friendship.
While at a retreat, I met some really neat people and had great conversations, but I knew it would not be possible to make any of it last, they were soon to go their own ways. And as I thought about it, it is like time and space has separated most all of my friendships. Friendship starts with a meaningful conversation, but then steps down to good times but one always seeing the time and saying they need to get going and then it moves on to an occasional short talk or myspace comment every month, and suddenly I notice we have had no contact for over a year. It is like I was in a boat and talking with someone on a dock, and turned back to fish and the boat drifted and when I noticed, I was a mile down stream and it would be far too much effort to go against the current to get back and there is a good chance they will not even be there anymore.
It does not matter if it is brotherly or romantic affection. Affection always says "Forever." In the love songs people sing how they will always feel a certain way and nothing could ever change it. When I hear such songs I roll my eyes and say "Oh brother..." Because I have had plenty of people vow faithful friendship to me and go on and on, and I know they meant it at the time because they enjoyed the friendship and their brotherly affection expressed itself by saying forever and always. But most often I end up being like a chapter in a book, once they move on to a new one, I am old and uninteresting and they never have anything to do with me again. I expect this now because I know how things work.
Even in my own life I have seen the reality that we can love someone or something with ALL our heart, mind, soul and being, and yet a while later not even give a rip or care. But maybe originally before the fall, affection was consistent and really did go on forever, and once we are in heaven our affection will never fade, and since it will always be there we will always fully delight in others and be committed to our friendships with them. Maybe the reasons why affection speaks like it does is because it is the remains of something beautiful, something existing before sin and that is why it genuinely says "forever" and if it could remain in us, it really would be forever. So the problem is not with affection, it is with our being fallen creatures. Maybe the more like Christ we become, the more affectionate we will be towards one another with consistency and faithfulness. Affection is important. It is a command in scripture to have brotherly affection for one another.
Even in my own life I have seen the reality that we can love someone or something with ALL our heart, mind, soul and being, and yet a while later not even give a rip or care. But maybe originally before the fall, affection was consistent and really did go on forever, and once we are in heaven our affection will never fade, and since it will always be there we will always fully delight in others and be committed to our friendships with them. Maybe the reasons why affection speaks like it does is because it is the remains of something beautiful, something existing before sin and that is why it genuinely says "forever" and if it could remain in us, it really would be forever. So the problem is not with affection, it is with our being fallen creatures. Maybe the more like Christ we become, the more affectionate we will be towards one another with consistency and faithfulness. Affection is important. It is a command in scripture to have brotherly affection for one another.
After being attracted to a girl for two years, waiting for her to finish college before I pursued her, I learned that she had started dating another guy. This was like a lightning strike that turned off the electricity, so that the blender that was plugged in but had no 'off' switch, was finally turned off and I who was wandering blindly out in the rain could wander back in and find my head and see things clearly again.
"PEBBLE”
You take a Pebble and hold it in front of one eye
And squint and bring it into focus
So you never have to see that big mountain
In front of you called reality
On the pebble is a word and the word is happy
And everything seems so happy as you walk along
Until you trip and fall head first into the
mountain called reality
Then you crawl and search for the pebble
That flew when you fell, but it cannot be found
And with a bloody nose you look at the Mountain
In front of you called reality
And you feel sad
Cuz you can't find your pebble
And you feel so mad
It is nowhere to be found
Oh you feel so sad
How you need your pebble
Oh you will be mad
Till you find that pebble.
You take a Pebble and hold it in front of one eye
And squint and bring it into focus
So you never have to see that big mountain
In front of you called reality
On the pebble is a word and the word is happy
And everything seems so happy as you walk along
Until you trip and fall head first into the
mountain called reality
Then you crawl and search for the pebble
That flew when you fell, but it cannot be found
And with a bloody nose you look at the Mountain
In front of you called reality
And you feel sad
Cuz you can't find your pebble
And you feel so mad
It is nowhere to be found
Oh you feel so sad
How you need your pebble
Oh you will be mad
Till you find that pebble.
Something dawned on my today. And that is why I dislike romantic attraction so much. The reason is it creates something like a thirst, which brings a sense of discomfort till it gets what it desires. Though we can forget about being thirsty for periods of time, it will always be there and at times seem unbearable. Now when I am thirsty water tastes so much better, and in that sense it is a blessing, for our felt lack makes whatever we desire that much more pleasurable. But imagine being thirsty but never getting anything to drink? Well, because of many reasons I have never pursued a girl whom I was attracted to, so I have only experienced the lack and discomfort. No wonder I dislike it so much! I would so love for God to remove the silly attractions from me forever. But if I ever am to pursue a girl and to get married and experience that thirst being fulfilled, I would likely think differently about it all.
"My Oh My what have I become?
Why Oh Why did I have to let these feelings dwell?
I do not, I do not like the thirst it creates
Only you, only you can fill it, only you
My Oh My, I feel I can't pursue that which I thirst
That's why, that's why it has become such a curse
I do not, I do not like that it will not die
Must I let you know, and you say "no" so it can be killed?
But even once it is dead, the corpse will lie in my head
And I will remember it is there as long as we are friends
And things may never be the same, that's a risk
I just don't want to take
"My Oh My what have I become?
Why Oh Why did I have to let these feelings dwell?
I do not, I do not like the thirst it creates
Only you, only you can fill it, only you
My Oh My, I feel I can't pursue that which I thirst
That's why, that's why it has become such a curse
I do not, I do not like that it will not die
Must I let you know, and you say "no" so it can be killed?
But even once it is dead, the corpse will lie in my head
And I will remember it is there as long as we are friends
And things may never be the same, that's a risk
I just don't want to take
Ironically it seems some of the people I do not connect with are the very ones that take effort to keep in touch with me. For reason unknown to me, when I talk with them, I shrivel up, my mind is blank, the conversation seems awkward and I cannot think of any questions to ask. When they call and leave a message I call them back, but it is never on my priority list. I sadly feel unable to connect with them, there is a chasm between us. I continue to try to be friendly and I'm amazed that they enjoy my friendship for I don't really feel like I have anything to give, cause I don't know how.
While I drown in delusion
She throws me another rope
Keeping the deception afloat
And the far-fetched notion
That she'll do it again, alive
Cold, this water is cold as ice
And I thought I was ready to die
But I won't go under, I keep breathing
And searching the horizon
That's as level as north Texas
Yet I keep looking for her to save me
So I can keep this cycle going
Though it needs a watery grave
I thought I was growing
i thought I was a little more mature
I knew that this fog surrounding me
Was the reason I could not see
And though its effecting how I feel
It can't change what I believe
Because I keep trudging through it
Until I can finally see
She throws me another rope
Keeping the deception afloat
And the far-fetched notion
That she'll do it again, alive
Cold, this water is cold as ice
And I thought I was ready to die
But I won't go under, I keep breathing
And searching the horizon
That's as level as north Texas
Yet I keep looking for her to save me
So I can keep this cycle going
Though it needs a watery grave
I thought I was growing
i thought I was a little more mature
I knew that this fog surrounding me
Was the reason I could not see
And though its effecting how I feel
It can't change what I believe
Because I keep trudging through it
Until I can finally see
imagine if you had 3 days with access to food, but after those 3 days you knew that you would not be able to eat for a whole month. Would there not be something in you that would want to eat all you possibly could those three days? But all the while knowing that even if you gorged yourself for 3 days, you would still get hungry on the 4th day. I think it could be frustrating that there is nothing you could do those days to prevent hunger later on.
This is how it is for me with friendship. I know a friend is leaving in a few days, and even if it was possible to spend every moment with her, it would really make no difference. For time with someone you enjoy is like eating, though it satisfies, in a matter of hours you feel hungry again. So even if I gorged myself so to say, with time with that other person, I would only be satisfied at the moment, only to find myself wanting more in time. Indeed we are like a leaky cup, always crying for more but never filled. Or maybe it is just me.
This is how it is for me with friendship. I know a friend is leaving in a few days, and even if it was possible to spend every moment with her, it would really make no difference. For time with someone you enjoy is like eating, though it satisfies, in a matter of hours you feel hungry again. So even if I gorged myself so to say, with time with that other person, I would only be satisfied at the moment, only to find myself wanting more in time. Indeed we are like a leaky cup, always crying for more but never filled. Or maybe it is just me.
Why did you poke out your head?
Because now I must let you out of the beg
So she can quickly take off your head
Oh because you're better off dead
I can't have you looping in my head
Like a garble running in a wheel
That would be a taste of hell
I would be better off dead
But though your now dead, your corpses in my head
You died pointing to what you were wanting
As if to remind my messed up head
That you still can speak though you're dead
But the grave is dug and the body will soon be laid
And the dirt will cover every memory
But the tombstone will tell the story
And I'll share it others in the cemetery
Aswell as the other crosses there
That represent parts of me that no longer care
They fell for others along the way
But now their dead and there they lay
But they still have something to say
About what they learned along the way
But I look forward to the day
That there is not need to remember what they say
Because now I must let you out of the beg
So she can quickly take off your head
Oh because you're better off dead
I can't have you looping in my head
Like a garble running in a wheel
That would be a taste of hell
I would be better off dead
But though your now dead, your corpses in my head
You died pointing to what you were wanting
As if to remind my messed up head
That you still can speak though you're dead
But the grave is dug and the body will soon be laid
And the dirt will cover every memory
But the tombstone will tell the story
And I'll share it others in the cemetery
Aswell as the other crosses there
That represent parts of me that no longer care
They fell for others along the way
But now their dead and there they lay
But they still have something to say
About what they learned along the way
But I look forward to the day
That there is not need to remember what they say
For the first while it is a bit painful
For I can see the one I like
getting smaller as we drift
But eventually they are out of sight
And new sites catch the eyes
The water is moving
It is always moving
And I am alone in this boat
I am in this boat alone
All interaction is in passing
No one has an anchor
Everyone is drifting
Even if someone comes on board and joins me
So I will have some lasting company
It will then be the two of us together
Waving as we watch everyone else leave
But maybe this is why we get married
To have at least one who never will leave
So that once everyone else is out of sight
I have someone other them me to look at
For I can see the one I like
getting smaller as we drift
But eventually they are out of sight
And new sites catch the eyes
The water is moving
It is always moving
And I am alone in this boat
I am in this boat alone
All interaction is in passing
No one has an anchor
Everyone is drifting
Even if someone comes on board and joins me
So I will have some lasting company
It will then be the two of us together
Waving as we watch everyone else leave
But maybe this is why we get married
To have at least one who never will leave
So that once everyone else is out of sight
I have someone other them me to look at
